


hesitate

by wackpainterkid (swanandapirate)



Series: Manon's Mondays [2]
Category: SKAM (Netherlands)
Genre: Angst, Comfort, F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-24
Updated: 2019-06-24
Packaged: 2020-05-19 03:47:34
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,487
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19348867
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/swanandapirate/pseuds/wackpainterkid
Summary: The prompt: "Ok so one of the things I wanted to see in skam nl is noah and liv just laying in bed and she's stroking his hair and singing alulaby . If there's a way to incorporate that, I'll be grateful. "





	hesitate

**Author's Note:**

> Installment 2 of Manon’s Mondays! (I’m still not changing the name) To the surprise of absolutely nobody, I made this angsty and emotional. Did I cry while writing this? No. (Maybe… yes) Either way, enjoy some gentle hairstroking and soft lullaby singing, friendos ♥

The way to Noah’s house is something Liv knows by heart by now; she has both walked and cycled it numerous times, each time with the same kind of excitement running through her veins. Excitement to see him, to hear his voice, to be with him. It causes her steps to become faster and faster once she nears the familiar surroundings of his house

 

Though the hurriedness she is walking with right now also has something to do with the very heavy grocery bags she is carrying. 

 

Liv barely manages to ring the doorbell without letting anything drop and taps her foot on the doorstep as she silently begs Noah to come and open the door for her quickly.

 

It seems like he’s heard her pleads as the door swings open after less than a minute, revealing Noah covered in paint splatters. Not that that surprises Liv.

 

“Okay,” she begins, hoisting the bags off the step. “I bought groceries and I’m thinking: a nice oven dish with a lot of vegetables and a lot of cheese, because you know how much I love cheese–”

 

She tries to enter but Noah doesn’t budge from his spot in the door opening, forming a barrier between her and his house.

 

“What are you doing here?”

 

Liv furrows her brow at his question.

 

“We were supposed to have dinner, you weirdo.” She shoots him an incredulous look. “Did you forget?”

 

“Yeah, I must’ve.” He rakes through his hair. “Sorry.”

 

“It’s fine,” she reassures him with a small smile. Her ego is not that fragile that her boyfriend having a moment of absentmindedness would hurt it, nor would it bruise her pride. “But can you let me in because these bags are getting heavy.”

 

“Of course.” Noah subtly shakes his head as if he’s trying to get rid of the distraction. He quickly steps out of the doorway, leaving room for her to haul the two weighty tote bags inside.

 

“Thanks,” she says in passing as she walks through the hallway to the kitchen.

 

With a heavy thud, she sets the bags on his kitchen table, letting out a humph once the weight leaves her arms. Her arms now free, she takes off her jacket and places it over one of the high chairs around the table before rolling up her sleeves and beginning to unpack the groceries.

 

“How was your day?” She looks over her shoulder as she puts a bottle of juice and a box of strawberries meant for dessert in the fridge. Noah is standing by the table, staring into nothing and her question pulls him out. His head makes an abrupt motion before looking at her.

 

“Fine.” His voice cracks and he clears his throat to remedy it.

 

“Just fine?” Liv shuts the fridge again. “Nothing noteworthy happened?”

 

“Not particularly.”

 

“Okay…”

 

And for the first time in a very long while–Liv honestly cannot even remember when it has ever been like this– their conversation grows awkward. The silence that follows definitely isn’t better.

 

He knows too.

 

“So, what did you say we were making?” Noah asks with a smile.

 

Liv looks at him and decides something is off. She doesn’t know why exactly but something definitely sits wrong with her. Something in the way his smile just doesn’t reach his eyes. Something in the way his mind continues to stray elsewhere. This isn’t like him.

 

“What’s going on with you?” She chooses to ignore his question and go straight to the matter at hand. Her arms cross and her head tilts as she takes him in again.

 

“Nothing.” His answer comes too quickly, sounds too defensive.

 

“Are you sure because you’re acting kind of strange?” Though she formulates it as a question, by now she’s quite certain what his normal behavior is like. This isn’t it.

 

Noah lets his mask of indifference slip on, the carefully sculpted cover summoned to hide what lies beneath it. Liv sees it smooth out his features and the hairs on her arms rise in response. Because of the last time this happened, because of what this means– which she isn’t sure of but that doesn’t keep her brain from coming up with twenty-three possible scenarios, none of which are particularly pleasant.

 

“I’m fine.” 

 

She is almost offended by his assumption that she’s either so naive that she’d believe his lie, or that she’s so indifferent that she would accept his placating so quickly.

 

“Noah, I don’t know what’s going on, but it doesn’t seem like you’re fine.”

 

“Liv, I’m fine. Just let it be,” he says curtly.

 

And in an instant, that tone makes her excitement to cook together and to spend a quiet evening together disappear. 

 

“If you’re going to be like that, I can just leave too.”

 

Her mouth purses and she challenges him, challenges him to continue lying and see where it leads, challenges him to just come clean and tell her already.

 

She’s anything but in the mood for this.

 

Noah doesn’t say anything, however.

 

His blue eyes just meet her stare head-on.

 

“Fine.” Liv puts her hands up in the air in defeat. “Let me know when you’re ready to be an adult. In the meantime, I’m going home.”

 

She storms out of the kitchen, memories of another similar situation flashing past.

 

Inhale. Exhale. Her chest moves up and down as she attempts to calm herself down, to stop her blood from boiling with anger.

 

They’re supposed to be open with one another. That’s what their relationship is built on. 

 

Liv knows that isn’t easy all the time. 

 

She knows, because between the both of them she is definitely the person with the tallest walls. But he can’t ask her to be open with him and then not grant her the same privilege, that’s not how it works in a relationship. 

 

By the time her apartment building comes into view, it’s no longer anger that is on Liv’s mind but exhaustion that dominates. The kind where she just feels like shutting off her brain to let it rest for a moment, to stop her from overthinking.

 

Her hand delves into her pocket to fish out her key and she quietly slides it into the lock. She is hoping to slip into the apartment and into her room unnoticed, so she can avoid any questions but Ralph notices her almost immediately.

 

“Hi Livvie!” he says, and his voice causes Liv to flinch.

 

“Hey Ralph.” She lets out a quiet breath before hanging her jacket up on the coat rack. She moves to the kitchen and throws her keys on the table there. Her eyes wander around the room. Seeing that her plans to have a lovely dinner were unsuccessful, perhaps she should grab something to eat before her stomach starts complaining. 

 

“How was it at Noah’s?” Ralph continues to shout, probably because they’re still not standing in the same room.

 

“I don’t want to talk about it,” she replies loud and clearly, so she doesn’t have to repeat herself. 

 

There’s still half of a cucumber left in the refrigerator and she removes it from the rack, immediately starting to munch on it as she makes her way to the living room. 

 

Ralph’s gaze scans her as she enters the room and not-so-gracefully slouches down in the couch. She can see him wanting to ask more but eventually deciding against it, which sends a surge of relief through her body.

 

“Then we won’t,” he says with determination. “You want to see my thrift store haul?” His head motions to a bag Liv assumes is filled with clothes.

 

Her lips curl. This is exactly the mindless distraction she needs right now. “I’d love to.”

 

Ralph ends up performing an entire fashion show for Liv, showing her all of the clothing he managed to acquire during his shopping trip. At some point, he starts vogueing and Liv whistles and laughs all the while devouring the entire piece of cucumber she’d gotten.

 

“I’m not entirely sure about this shirt, to be honest,” Ralph says eventually, holding up a dark blue shirt with large flower-like shapes drawn on it in a slightly lighter shade and considering it with a tilted head. “I like it, but it doesn’t really fit my style. I feel it’s more of a shirt for–” Ralph cuts himself off before looking at Liv.

 

“Noah?” she completes his sentence, “Yeah, it definitely is.” She’d have to be blind to not see that the shirt would fit right into Noah’s closet.

 

Ralph leaves the shirt and the fashion show be and goes to sit down next to her, slowly as if to not scare her away. He gently places her legs over his and Liv can sense that that which he previously dismissed would now have to be discussed.

 

And sure enough, Ralph asks her, his head propped on his hand: “Do you want to talk about it now?”

 

“There’s not a lot to talk about.” She lifts her shoulders in a shrug. “Noah was— _is_ being stubborn and we had a fight.”

 

Ralph’s head moves in understanding, but then his eyebrows draw together.

 

“Okay. But why are you here and not at his place talking it out? Did you run away?”

 

Liv scratches a bit of nail polish off her thumb and her eyes travel from her fingers to Ralph’s.

 

“No, I don’t think so? I came back here because I was just not feeling like dealing with him when he was being like that.” As the words come out, Liv just knows she’s being too vague, that her lack of explanation is making it seem like she did run away from her problems to avoid anything staying might bring forth. “He was being all defensive and pretending like nothing was wrong, but I know him, something was definitely wrong. And he keeps on encouraging me to be open with him, so why is he not doing the same?”

 

Ralph ponders over it for a bit, wiggling his mouth as he takes in her words.

 

“I see where you’re coming from, but don’t you think that might’ve been a slightly too extreme reaction? Maybe he wasn't ready to talk about it yet? Maybe you should just give him some time?”

 

Maybe she should have trusted him from the beginning.

 

Fuck.

 

“Yeah…” Liv hesitantly agrees. “Maybe. We’ll figure it out, though, don’t worry.”

 

And the reassurance is as much meant for Ralph as it is for herself.

 

“Of course, you will.” His hands end up on her shins and give a comforting squeeze. “I’m supposed to leave to go out for dinner with Bennie, do you want to join?”

 

Moving her legs off of his to free him, Liv shakes her head. “No, it’s fine, there are leftovers in the fridge with my name on them.”

 

“You’re sure?”

 

Liv nods, the corners of her lips curled. Ralph is honestly the best roommate she could wish for. Okay, he can’t cook and okay, sometimes she takes on the role of the adult in the apartment too often for a seventeen-year-old but when Ralph is so caring, so considerate, she can’t be mad about all the rest.

 

“I might stay over at Bennie’s too.” And there’s a tinge of guilt to his timbre which Liv does not want to hear.

 

“Ralph, that’s fine, have fun,” she orders as he gathers his things and gets ready to leave.

 

“Hey, Ralph.” He looks back at her before stepping into the hallway. “Love you,” she says with a wink.

 

And Ralph seems to glow with the words of affection. “Love you too, Livvie.”

 

After he leaves, it takes less than twenty minutes before her stomach is unsatisfied again and Liv goes to heat up some remnants of some quiche she made yesterday to fight its complaints. While the oven buzzes, she flips through the TV-channels before deciding to watch a rerun episode of The Voice. It is mindless TV but at least it is entertaining and some of the performances actually manage to blow her away.

 

Every time a commercial break comes on her mind drifts to Noah. It replays the conversation they had earlier, it comes up with reasons she should reach out to him and reasons she should not, things she has to tell him and things he might say in return.

 

She opens and locks her phone six times.

By the time the episode ends, her quiche has been devoured and she has not become any wiser on what to do with Noah. She goes to clean her plate, all the while humming one of the songs used in the episode under her breath, giving her thoughts something else to occupy themselves with than him.

A soft yet sudden knock sounds on the window and Liv startles, dropping her fork in the process.

It rattles on the floor before Liv goes to pick it up and gets back up, a frown on her face as she watches the window. 

 

It’s late. 

 

Not inhumanly so but definitely not the hour one would expect visitors to show up. She slightly separates the blinds and sees Noah. And it’s a weird mix of relief and nervousness that swirls around inside of her at the sight of him

 

She goes to open the door.

 

“Hi,” she says.

 

“I–” Noah begins but then stops again. He’s fiddling with the sleeves of his sweater, pulling them downwards to cover his hands. 

 

He hasn’t looked at her yet.

 

“Noah?” Liv isn’t sure what she’s asking him. Maybe whether he can look at her. Maybe whether he’s angry with her. Maybe if he’s okay.

 

Suddenly, his gaze moves up. His eyes stare into hers and she can see the answer to every possible question.

 

He isn’t fine. 

 

And while she knew that already, here he is, admitting it to her, asking for support.

 

Liv doesn’t hesitate and goes to stand on her tiptoes before wrapping her arms around him. They form a tight circle around his back and she draws circles on the surface, trying to soothe him. His hands cling to her like they’ll never release her again.

 

She doesn’t know how long they stand in her door opening but the cold night air is creating goosebumps on her skin and she’d love to seek out some warmth. Liv releases Noah, just long enough for her to be able to close the door behind them and to pull him inside her bedroom. 

 

They end up in her bed.

 

His head is on her stomach, his arm around her middle. Her hand in his hair.

 

Silence lingers around them but it’s not the kind of silence from before. This is just how it always is, how they always are. Liv knows they have things to discuss but the uneasiness, the doubt has completely vanished.

 

Because they’re in here, in her bed, together.

 

“Are you ready to tell me what’s going on?” she finally asks, not entirely sure that Noah hasn’t fallen asleep.

 

He takes a deep breath in response and grabs her hand, drawing figures on her palm with his index.

 

“It’s my dad.”

 

“What about him?”

 

“He was here.”

 

A frown appears on Liv’s face as she looks down at him. In the five months they have been together, his dad has never come to visit. Noah told her that his dad spends half of his time in Belgium and spends the other half of his time traveling the world. Somehow, however, he has never thought the trip to Utrecht was worth it.

 

Not once.

 

Not when Noah graduated, not when he got accepted into art school, not when he told his dad about her. 

 

So, to hear that the mysterious Mr. Boom suddenly did come to visit surprises Liv.

 

“What was he doing here?”

 

“No idea,” Noah admits. “I just came home and there he was sitting on the living room couch, his pristine suit and all. And for a second I was actually happy to see him.” His voice cracks. “I thought: ‘my dad is here. _My_ dad. the only family that I have left.’ He instantaneously made me regret thinking that, though.”

 

A sad expression appears on Liv’s face as she’s finally hearing what has been troubling him, as she’s finally finding out why he felt the need to pretend that he was fine. With every piece of the puzzle she receives, she feels her heart shatter into another piece.

 

“Feel like telling me what he said?”

 

She doesn’t particularly want to hear but it might be important for him to share, for someone to understand the extent of his anguish.

 

He lets out a shaky breath.

 

“Only if you want to,” she reassures him.

 

His arm tightens around her even more.

 

“My dad has never been a kind and doting parent, or he was once but I can barely remember that time. When my mom left us, he became cold and distant and that hasn’t really changed since. Somehow, he always finds a way to criticize me and he always says that it’s to make me better, more ambitious, more like a true member of the Boom family.”

 

Liv tries to keep as quiet as possible as he tells what he needs to tell her, but her hands never leave his body, telling him that she’s there, that she’ll support him. There’s a cold indifference in his voice but she knows that he would not be able to repeat the words if it wasn’t there. She knows it’s to protect himself. 

 

“This morning was… it wasn’t good. I hadn’t seen him in almost eight months and he barely even greeted me. What he did do was hold an hour-long rant bashing just about everything that I am and that I do. How I’m way too much like my mom, that I probably should’ve gone and lived with her. That even though he raised me, I still ended up the same as her, useless for the real world because who would want ‘a boy with a brush’. Told me that he was just wasting his time and money on me. You get the gist of it.”

 

Liv feels her throat close up as he talks. God, and that’s supposed to be the one person to love you unconditionally. The relationship with her own parents wasn’t the best either but at least they loved her, at least they pretended to care about her. Her heart aches for him, for the boy lying on her stomach, holding onto her hand like it’s a lifeline. He deserves so much better. He deserves to be cherished and appreciated, to be cared for and protected. He deserves to be loved. 

 

“Hey,” Liv says to catch his attention. “I love you.” Her hand combs through his hair, again and again.

 

His eyes briefly close before answering. “I know that.”

 

“Good.” She kisses his forehead, trying to transfer more of her love.

 

“Liv?” he says.

 

“Yeah?” She looks down at him.

 

“Sorry for not telling you from the start.”

 

“It’s alright,” she whispers back. “I’m sorry too. For not being patient enough.”

 

The silence envelops them for a while again, but, while you could hear a pin drop in her room, she knows that inside Noah’s mind things aren’t so calm. Even though Liv doesn’t know the exact words his father told him, she can hear they are currently playing on a loop inside Noah’s head. The disappointment and disdain in his father’s voice clamoring over and over again.

 

He’s not going to be able to fall asleep like this. She brushes his hair again, her fingers tangling in the soft black locks. Liv lowers herself, bringing their eyes to the same level and she can still see the pain lingering in his irises. Her hand traces the birthmark under his eyes, the scar on his forehead. And she thinks back of him standing in front of her door, she thinks of him lying here, vulnerable and hurting and all she wants to do is protect him but she doesn’t know how. 

 

And when she doesn’t know what to do, she sings.

 

And so that’s what she does.

 

_I will take your pain_

_and put it on my heart._

_I won’t hesitate_

_just tell me where to start._

_I thank the oceans_

_for giving me you_

_you saved me once_

_and now I’ll save you too_

_I won’t hesitate_

_For you_

 

Tears appear in Noah’s eyes as she sings and she might be crying too. But her hands keep tracing his hair and her breaths keep echoing his breaths and her mouth keeps producing the hum of the song on repeat, drowning out anything else, chasing away the thoughts that were deterring him from sleep, replacing them with appreciation and care and love.

 

And once Noah falls asleep, his breathing leveling out and the tension in his limbs slowly dissipating, so can she.

**Author's Note:**

> Should a Jonas brothers song make me this emotional? No. Should I even be listening to the Jonas Brothers? No but here we are. Anyways, hope you liked it! I’m posting a SkamNL fic every Monday, see you next week for a fluffy fic!


End file.
